If the hat fits
by Catch 23
Summary: What’s the deal with Seth’s hat? This is a question I have frequently asked myself. Well he doesn’t know either, but he wants answers, darn it!


**If the hat fits…**

Summary: What's the deal with Seth's hat? This is a question I have frequently asked myself. Well he doesn't know either, but he wants answers, darn it!

Warnings: Everyone is just a tiny bit ooc (Seth is panicky, Mahad is a jerk, and Atem is thick as a brick), I abuse ellipsis, and Seth says damn a lot. If you find a pairing, it's the product of your own twisted imagination and nothing to do with me.

Author's notes: So what's the deal with Seth's stupid hat? None of the other priests wear them. I do have a theory on the matter, but I can't be bothered with it here. Anyhoo, his rather bizarre headgear is the inspiration for this little fic. It's set outside of the manga and anime storylines, shortly after Seth joins the priesthood. Italics are Seth's thoughts. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Seth, his hat, any of the other characters, Ancient Egypt, or anything else for that matter. Except this toothbrush. It's mine. You can't have it.

_Why him? What had he done to deserve this? Was he that bad a person? Did the Gods hate him that much? _

Priest Seth stared with helpless terror at the monstrosity before him. How a human being could have brought such evil into the world was beyond his powers of comprehension. He wasn't strong enough to deal with this, yet here he was, forced to face this alone. Nothing in his training had prepared him for this. There was nothing he could do. Paralyzed, all he could do was gawp at the evil before him…

"In the name of Horus, man, it's just a _hat_!" Shada yelled in exasperation as the young man beside him stared with sick horror at his own reflection.

Mahad smirked. "It suits you, Seth. It brings out your eyes."

Normally a remark like that would have earned the speaker a one way trip to the shadow realm, but Seth didn't even seem to hear him.

"…I…have to wear this…all the time…?"

Aknadin laid a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder.

"It's not _that_ bad…" He reassured him. "It…um…makes you look taller…"

"Why am I the only one!?" Seth's panic quickly gave way to fury. "_You_ aren't wearing one! Why am I the only one to suffer!?"

"It's not like that…it's just tradition. The most junior priest must wear this outfit…"

"Well...your tradition is stupid!"

"A witty comeback, Seth…"

"Shove it Mahad!"

_A few days later…_

"Seth…where's your hat?

"Hat? What hat? I don't have a hat."

"The big blue one with the tacky gold snake stuck to it."

"Oh…that hat…"

Aknadin folded his arms. "Where is it? That hat is one of our most sacred traditions."

"Well…it's a long story. See, I was in my room, minding my own business, when suddenly, this bird flies in and grabs my hat. I told it to give it back, but it wouldn't listen, and it flew off with it. There was nothing I could do." Seth gave him his most charming smile while secretly cursing himself. _It took me three hours to come up with that? I suck at lying._

"You could have summoned a ka and given chase."

"I could have, in fact that's exactly what I tried to do but…um…" _Answer faster, answer faster…_

"But what?"

"Well there was this jackal. Yeah, a jackal. And it must have been in league with the bird cause it…um…" _Answer better, answer better…_

"Priest Seth?"

"Yes Lord Aknadin?"

"Shut up and go get the hat."

"As you command, Lord Aknadin." _Damn._

_And yet another few days pass…_

Seth strode into the throne room, whistling cheerfully and brandishing the tattered remains of his hat

"What happened to it _this_ time?"

"Crocodiles." _A simple and easy to remember excuse, which is plausible and doesn't invite questions. Go me._

"Why did they attack the hat?" _Damn._

"_I _don't know." _Perhaps because I stuffed it full of meat, then threw it at them?_

"Do I look like Steve Irwin (God rest his soul) to you?"

While Mahad was pondering his bizarre out of character knowledge, Seth made a run for it. Unfortunately, he didn't get far.

"Seth?"

"Yes Great Pharaoh?" _Damndamndamndamndamn._

"What happened to your hat? It was a priceless heirloom from my father's reign!"

"Well, there were these crocodiles and…it's a long story. It's just a terrible pity that this hat can't be replaced…I'm so sorry"

"Oh, I didn't say that. There were several hundred of them made. I'll just get you another one. Just try to be more careful with it, eh?" The Pharaoh smiled at him good humouredly, and wandered off.

_I'm going to kill him. He will die slowly and painfully. I will rip out his still beating heart and feed it to the dogs. I will throttle him with his own intestines. _

With his head filled with cheerful images of the Pharaoh being eaten alive by killer dung beetles, Seth stalked off into the dark recesses of the palace.

The End

Or is it? Should I continue this stupid and pointless fic? The power is in your hands.

Feel free to flame. Your hatred keeps me warm.


End file.
